My first love

I was fifteen, when we found each other from bulletin board.
We started dating, even we hadn't met each other,
or talked to each other
or even saw our pictures first.
What can I say,
I was just young and in love.

He was my everything,
but we were so stupid and naive.
We didn't know anything about world or love.
I didn't even know myself.


When we first time talked I lied and after that I kept lying.
I lied I was great driver in need for speed,
but truthfully I didn't even pass tutorial.
Little lies flied from my mouth every week.
I was so afraid he wouldn't like me if I would just be me.
I started listening metal bands and wearing huge dirty band shirts,
just to please him.
I didn't realize then I didn't have to do that.
I should have been myself all the time,
but I was in love. Deep deep in love
and I said to myself that they were beautiful little lies.
After a while I started to believe my lies.


We thought we were perfect.
We thought we ruled the world.
We tied our hands together on hot summer nights.
I led my hands wander in his blond curly hair.
We said that we will never ever let ourself go.
We said we would kill each other than let our relationship disappear.
I said that too.

But we let it disappear and we didn't kill each other (thank god).
After almost two years I lost the feeling.
Love, it was gone.
Gone forever.
He was too attached.
He was mad if I talked to someone else (boy).
He said I shouldn't talk to another person, even if it would be only school stuff.
He said I couldn't wear that or that,
because someone else would see me as he sees me.


We both changed.
He didn't want to work.
He didn't want to study.
He wanted to make music. Different music.
He started to watch more anime,
order figure's with huge boobs.
He disappeared in another world.
It was time to say good bye.

After months
I had to force my mom to call his mother,
because he didn't send my books back
(which I had lent to him when we were together).
I had to do it,
and I'm glad I did it.
I still read those books.


After our break up,
it took a whole year until I realized
I don't feel anything about us anymore.
After my granny and pet died,
I realized that I didn't need him.
I also realized what he had done in our relationship.
He had pushed me to do things I didn't want to do.
He hated my friends.
He didn't even respect me enough.
Don't get me wrong, he never hit me or called me "whore",
but I could have not ever been myself with him.
He wanted wife, who was home taking care of kids
and making warm delicious food when he gets back
from hunting trips.
I'm nothing like that.
I'm the girl who wanders around the world,
girl who wants to work, buy beautiful clothes,
read too many books and
listen one direction and whatever I fucking want.


I have not seen him in years.
Last time we saw each other, it was 2010 and we were still together.
Happy and unknown about the future.

He is not the same person anymore, who I fell in love with
and I´m not the girl who he fell in love with.
We're strangers
and I love my life without him.

I wouldn't change my past, even I could.
I think I learned a lot.
Now I know what I deserve.

Picture: Maud Chalard (source)


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It's getting pretty cold here in Finland, almost 30 degrees. Last winter I didn't own a pair of proper winter boots. I just filled my dr.martens with wool socks and hoped for the best. Right now I'm more than happy that last summer I finally bought myself own pair of these classic boots. They are warm and the comfiest shoes ever, but despite of that I rather stay at home than walk outside. I haven't left the house expect gym, grocery store and short walks with Rambo. Honestly I have rolled up in my bed sheets like a burrito. I have said good bye to one of my favorite tv show Downton abbey and said hello to my new favorite show, House of cards. So I just wanted to say that I'm quitting life to become a burrito, bye!

In 2015 I have... more books than than in 2014, moved to new address, finally got rid of that Ikea lamp, drank more chai latte, watched Force Awakens movie (finally!), went through a knee surgery, started study Japanese again, traveled to Tokyo, fallen in love with Japanese soda "Calpis", went to One Direction's and Katy Perry's concerts, had blast running color obstacle rush,  had my first wisdom tooth pulled out, bought three(!) plushies and had a wonderful year with my loved ones.

What will I do differently next year?
I will learn to love myself more, forgive myself, travel more, take more risks to achieve my real dreams, work out, be a better person in every possible way than I was last year and think more positive.

I will show you few of what I got this christmas. I had clearly been super good this year, my presents were so nice and so me, nothing useless!
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Ted Baker Khloe loop bow bag. I have talked about this bag a lot, how I´m going to buy it etc, and I was really surprised and happy to find it wrapped in papers. This is just pure love. Thank you my lovely boyfriend!
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Biggest surprise was still this Studio Ghibli's umbrella. It looks original stylish and controlled umbrella, but no it is way much more. When the rain comes and you open it, you step into your own little magical world. I have never ever seen anything like this. Thank's to my awesome boyfriend (again).
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Philosophy's Cinnamon buns shower gel.
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Super cute nessie ladle, which I have also talked about a lot.
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Big magic book (can't wait to read it) and five different beautiful scented hand creams. 
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Warm wool sweater dress from other stories. Again, love this.

I also got: tea, beautiful crystal lamp (thank you mom!), big scarf/poncho,  The Fencer movie, pair of leather mittens, chocolate, nail file equipment, nightdress and 3 month gym membership gift card.